Between Things

In a good week, I begin my post early.  A first line blinks into being during the walk to work on Tuesday and grows, by accretion, until it becomes a paragraph.  All week, I rehearse that paragraph and consider what might follow it, but a paragraph is all I can carry before I have to sit down to type.  I don’t type until Saturday or Sunday.

I try never to write about writing posts.

“It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one’s thoughts,” the British writer Isabel Colegate once said, “It saves having to bother anyone else with them.”  Most of my thoughts aren’t worthy of print—digital or ink—and I compose them only out of habit.  Sometimes, I dress them in words and sentences that make them presentable, more often not.  Tuesday’s idea looks banal on Wednesday. By Thursday or Friday, I can’t recall what I thought might be special in saying, “I have an anger no one knows,” or “The biggest burden of modern life is needing to pay attention to so much.”  They expire before they ever really live.

Part of my problem is enjoying language, the way vowels roll among the soft bumpers of some consonants and ricochet against hard ones.  I begin to imagine that, properly worded and arranged, any idea will ring.  Then writing isn’t thinking anymore.  It’s elevating sound to music or pigment to painting.

The other problem is endowing momentary brainstorms with special meaning.  This week, I wondered if I might make a blog post of the midlife man I see nearly every morning bursting from the gym door, his bag clutched to his side as if he were its courier instead of him its owner, a dab of shaving cream still behind his ear or at the back of his shaved head, crossing to the island at an angle between crosswalks to catch the next L, walking and then running two or three steps at a time as if the pavement were suddenly inexplicably hot and his feet suddenly shoeless.  He has become a representative of what’s out of balance in our lives, the way we’ve relegated exercise to a side pursuit and made it another object crowding our lives instead of incorporating and integrating activity into how we exist.

But that’s all I have to say, and, really, I pity him.  Plus, short of the shaved head, I am him.

My biggest problem, however, is every blogger’s abiding delusion—I think someone is listening.  A career of reading the work of writers we admire has ruined us, persuaded us to believe that assembling our thoughts, feelings, and observations is universally significant.  We believe these daily preoccupations reach beyond the readers we’ve scraped together—most of them similarly deluded bloggers—and into posterity.  We imagine some future scholar finding our words in a heap of cyber-rubbish and saying, “Here are words.”

When, actually, most of the time we are just looking for something—sometimes anything—to say.

I’m happy I’m alive enough to believe my life bigger than itself.  I’m happy some impetus makes my senses more thirsty than most.  I’m happy to have a voice needing exercise.

On Tuesday, I suppose that matters.  On Thursday, I wonder.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Blogging, Doubt, Essays, Home Life, Hope, Laments, life, Meditations, Modern Life, Thoughts, Words, Writing

One response to “Between Things

  1. Peter Newton

    David,

    A story I heard once about an old famous poet, I believe it was William Stafford. He was being interviewed by some magazine and the reporter asked:
    “What made you start writing poetry?”
    To which the poet answered:
    “The question is not what made me start writing poetry, it’s what made everyone else stop?”

    That bit of knowledge has stuck with me with regard to writing. And perseverance. Other peoples and my own. We all have something to say, it’s just a matter of simply saying it. The best writing is unself-conscious, which is what I find appealing about several blogs I follow from time to time. The authors never really know if someone’s listening so they are free just to say it.

    –Peter

    Audience seems one of the most troublesome elements of blogging, stranger–maybe–than publishing. When you publish, just getting out there is the strongest sort of ratification you have something worth saying.

    I try not to be self-conscious and feel free to say what I will, but clearly there are limits. Questioning what you’re doing may be outside what’s allowed. If it’s not worth doing, people tell me, why write at all?

    Your words about perseverance are inspiring–I like to think I have something to say–but what if expressing doubts about speaking is all I have? That’s the paradox I’m living now.

    Thanks, as always, for your thoughtful comments. — David

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s